Your face is a jimmy john
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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