I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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