So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
