Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
