so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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