you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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