At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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