first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
