I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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