I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
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Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
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She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.