HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.