Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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