I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
