I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
