don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
