so explain again why im purple
no
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
tell me about the fingering
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
