Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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