I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
