He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
