it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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