At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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