you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's shark week go big or go home
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
