Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
