The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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