Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
