I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
third nipple confirmed
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
