If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
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