Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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