she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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