Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
should my penis look like a turkey
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
