i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
