last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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