Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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