My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
