I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
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