I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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