ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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