I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
