Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I woke up under a house in Key West
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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