You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
