Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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