You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
