i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
