I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
