There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
