Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
