i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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