Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize