4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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