It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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