So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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