Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
