I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize