Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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