I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Sorry about my life...
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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