Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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