Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
