just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
