My friends, they love my intelligence
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
